Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Who Am I?

(And Dear Readers...both of you....don't get your hopes up...this blogging thing may fade away again quickly.)

There have been several 'things' going on lately that have me thinking about that question.  "Who Am I?"  If I was stripped of all the things that I've used to define myself, what would be left?  Am I more than a sum of the parts?  Would I still be me without my job?  Without triathlon/training?  Without my family, my hubby, my dog?  What makes me..me? 

Sorry....if you were waiting for an answer to any of those questions, you're not going to find it here.  Just food for contemplation.

On a more mundane level, I'm back at work and things are as, let's just say, interesting as they've been the last year or so.  As you may or may not know, I had a job offer towards the end of last year.  Pretty much the same line of work, just a different take on it, with another small company.  It sounded interesting, at least more interesting than what I'm currently engaged in.  But I decided to stay put for the time being.  When everything was laid on a scale, the negatives where I'm at didn't outweigh the benefits.  And the benefits at the new place didn't weigh heavily enough to sway me.  On some level now though, I think I've traded away my brain for comfort.  I get to work at home two days a week where I'm at.  I have a *very* flexible schedule.  I'm coming up on five years at this place, which means I will start getting an extra week of vacation a year.  An extra WEEK!  And really....my work is just a means of getting from vacation to vacation.  Oh, and to pay for new toys.  Well, yes, and the bills too.  No, wait...that's what Jeff's job is for. 

But back to the job thing.  I really feel like I'm stagnating.  And although the company is at an exciting time, entering our Phase III trial (last step prior to an attempt at FDA approval), I don't have a lot of mentoring here.  Scratch that, there's *no* mentoring.  Because we're so small that I'm basically a department of one.  I think I've finally, FINALLY, realized that now that I've made the commitment to stay until 'something happens' (whether that be a buy out, FDA approval, whatever), I'm going to have to engage my brain on my own.  Develop some new skills, get back in the practice of attending conferences.  Because it would be all too easy to sit back, futz around, and wait.  I know it would, I've been doing it for the last several months.  I'm not saying I don't do my job.  Of course I do.  But I do it in a detached manner.  There's not a lot of investment there.  Which, for me, leads to some serious discontent.  You may not have noticed, but I tend to throw myself into things wholeheartedly.  So for the new year, I'm making a commitment to my brain.  Not a resolution so much as a gift to myself.  Here's hoping it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Happy New Year.

1 comment:

Molly said...

I think that's a great thing to do for yourself! It's something I ought to be doing too, as I'm sorta comfy-cozy in my rut too. *sigh* I just always manage to explain away the need with the reason of being too busy prepping for big races this year.